The famed sailor insists his great strength and trademark bulging forearms are the product of exercise and a specialized high-iron diet, not performance enhancing substances.

“I’m strong to the finich, cause I eats me spinach,” declared Popeye in a statement released by his lawyer, “Any allegations that I used human growth hormone, steroids, or other baned substances during my career are totally baseless and without merit.”

Poppy’s detractors note that his ability to perform superhuman feats of strength has never declined, even though his career has spanned almost 90 years. “Suggestions that he has maintained his physical capabilities over all these years by eating leafy greens, frankly, border on ludicrous, ” said one noted sailing analyst, “I think the average sailing fan is smarter than to be taken in by that.”

For those gentle readers who do not follow the noble sport of Baseball, the Mitchell Report, released this week, is a document compiled by a former US Senator who tasked with investigating steroid cheating in MLB. It has caused a bit of a stir in the baseball world because it names rather a lot of names.

My tongue-in-cheek bit about Popeye is a dig at Roger Clemens, the greatest pitcher of his era, who, at the age of 45, is still a dominant power-pitcher having great success in a game where some players retire in their 30s. Clemens, who was named in the Report, released statement that reads a bit like Popeye’s denials.

The funny thing is, for a guy who really likes baseball, and really hates cheating, I’m really quite ambivalent about the report. Partly I’m not sure how much I believe the allegations: for example, despite Clemens’ middle-aged power surge, I think he probably just works out a lot. In fact, I know he does: baseball players work their butts off in the off-season. They basically spend all their time lifting weights, running, and playing the occasional round of golf. It’s not inconceivable that a 45 year old man can throw a baseball 90 miles an hour or hit 762 career home runs. (Incidentally, there’s a Japanese player named Oh who has 868 career homers in the Japanese pro leagues). Meanwhile, a lot of what has come out re: steroid use has the quality of hearsay and not hard evidence.

Still, I’m not totally naive: athletes will do a lot to get an edge. Especially well-paid athletes for whom said pay depends heavily on performance. I read an article recently saying that A-Rod’s proposed 30-million-a-year contract (I think that’s the entire budget of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays… I wonder if they’d do better than permanent last place they fired all their players and just hired A-Rod and 24 minor leaguers?) is partly paying him for the home runs he might hit in the future: he’ll probably break Bond’s 762 record, given that he’s the youngest player to ever hit 500 in a career.

If ball players are using steroids, they aren’t doing it as an alternative to hard work, they are doing it to push their bodies beyond normal human limits. Players use all kinds of strategies and technology to maximize their performances, from sophisticated workout plans to practicing to watching hours of video of themselves swinging bats. At the jay’s game I went to last year, I discovered that Vernon Wells actually has the trainer do his stretching for him: he was literally lying on his back while the trainer pulled his legs back and forth.

Ball players even routinely use medical intervention: every season lots of players have ligament replacements and other surgery, usually performed by “renowned” arm-specialist Dr. James Andrews. (See: Tommy John surgery).

There’s case to be made that steroids are just another piece of technology used push performance to its peak. After all, there’s a lot of skill involved in hitting a small white ball moving 90 mph, no matter how strong you are.

Folk Singer Dan Bern, who is a huge Barry Bonds Fan, has a song in which he argues that most accomplishments in life are due in large part to “unnatural” enhancements. If you want to throw Barry Bonds out of baseball, you should also:

Burn the porn films by all the girls with implants
Burn the poems by men who took lithium as boys
Your erection complements of Levitra,
Is hereby rendered null and soft and void

He also invites us to:

Imagine a world where everyone is taking something
Imagine if you will, just for fun
Imagine that the President is taking smart-pills
That’d be even better than 73 home runs

I’m not sure I totally agree that Barry Bonds and the rest should get a free pass, but it’s something to think about.

So, what does all this mean for baseball? Probably a lot of yelling and screaming in the media, and maybe a few lost fans, but come opening day in April I predict the status quo will be intact. Despite all the hand-wringing and fears of cheapening the “great American game”, it’s hard to get worked up about it.

Also, despite his funny forearms and gruff manner, it’s hard not to like Popeye. Same goes for Roger Clemens.

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